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Chris Jones, ESPN, attempted to complete the medical and fitness review required of all Everton F.C. players. It did not go well.

Let’s get this out of the way. I’m supposed to say that my greatest source of pride is my children, but they haven’t really done anything that special. They’re regular kids, and there are billions of those. My greatest source of pride is that I still play competitive football at age 44. There are players in my league as young as 18. I’ve privately hoped that one day I’ll play alongside my youngest son, who is 10. Eight more years. That makes 52.

Luckily, I’m a goalkeeper. Unluckily, I’m short and fat. I’m 5-foot-10 and 214 pounds. I worried that Everton wouldn’t have a kit that fit me, and I searched for a comparably sized player. In other words, I looked up Wayne Rooney. He’s a similar height but 30 pounds lighter. I warned Everton in advance that they would be outfitting Wayne Rooney… if Wayne Rooney were pregnant with twins.

(Hat tip PDL.)